I'm A Guest Blogger! :)

Hi Friends,

I just wanted to drop a quick line to tell you that I am being featured as a guest blogger on my good friend Kenna's infertility and adoption blog. She is one of the many AMAZING women I've met on this journey and I've learned so much from her strong endurance through many insanely difficult trials. It was such a pleasure to share my experiences on her blog. My piece is entitled "My Revised Fairytale" and you can view it here: http://www.myiwrite.com/2012/05/revised-fairytale.html.

Lots of love!

Thoughts on Mother's Day

Mother's Day was simply amazing for me this year. I hate to admit it, but Mother's Day has been a bit dreaded for me for the past few years. Once I even faked sick to get out of going to church. (Shame on me!) This year, we woke up in a hurry as usual, and I hadn't really given much thought to the day. In sacrament meeting I was so nauseous I didn't have time to really feel anything meaningful, but in Relief Society when my bishop stood up and struggled through tears to talk about the divinity of motherhood and showed several short Mormon Message videos on it, I totally lost it. In one of the short videos there was a dark haired young mom holding a tiny dark haired infant and it hit me that that was going to be me. It was a real "full circle" moment for me. For 5 years we have fasted and prayed to be parents and struggled with the pain of loss and disappointment, and now I can hardly believe our blessings!

I'm just so extremely grateful for the miracle of pregnancy and the divine heritage that we have to be able to be mothers. What could be more sweet? I now feel that I am coming into full step with who I'm really meant to be. I'm certain that I'll continue to change a lot as my journey progresses, and doubtless, there will be intense challenges up ahead, but there is nothing I would want to do with my life but this!

To make this weekend even better, I got to attend my long-time friend Nikki's baby shower on Saturday. It was so fun! It was another first for me. Baby showers have been a bit hard for the past few years too. Honestly, I've never had a hard time being happy for my friends--not at all! However, sometimes I felt self-conscious and felt the need to be super-Pollyanna about things. No one wants a cranky infertile woman to crash the shower!

This was just so different. I felt that full bloom in my heart of the joy of being a woman and a mother. I even posed for my first belly shot (above), which felt a bit foolish because I'm just barely showing. You can see my cracking up in the second picture because Nikki is jamming her 8 month pregnant tummy into my back to help my baby bump look bigger. I love my friends so so much! It was a joyous day for me to talk to them, play with their sweet babies, and look forward to the future.

In short, life really couldn't be any better. I feel so richly blessed, and I just can't believe how sweet and joyous my life is as I feel this little baby grow inside of me. How did I get so lucky?

Our Miracle: 12 Weeks

It's about time for an update, I think! :) Thank you all for your recommendations to relieve nausea. I have tried each and every suggestion, and it pretty much seems random. Sometimes ginger or peppermint helps, and sometimes nothing helps. It has all stayed very manageable, though. I haven't thrown up once, so at its worst it's just been pretty bad nausea. I ended up telling my students 2 weeks ago because I was just not myself with being sick. I was nervous about sharing the news, but they were all very excited for me.

Here I am. I'm not really showing yet, but I definitely have a little pudge. :)

Even though being sick isn't fun, morning sickness has been a real blessing for me. When we found out that IVF worked, I was almost 4 weeks and then the first few weeks of pregnancy I was terrified of miscarrying. It felt so wrong to be so full of fear when I should just be feeling gratitude and I prayed to stop feeling so afraid. Heavenly Father answered my prayers through an unlikely answer; the nausea and exhaustion soon kicked in, and after that I didn't have a chance to be worried about miscarrying. The nausea is a constant reminder that my baby is strong and that this is going to work.

Now, here I am. Already finished with my first trimester! It's strange for me to think that this is the time a lot of people just begin to share their news, which makes my pregnancy seem extra long, but then I have to remind myself that we are not a normal couple and this is not a normal pregnancy. This baby has been prayed for and hoped for so long and by so many that my journey is likely to be a bit different.

We have been so blessed so far to have very few complications. Absolutely nothing has gone wrong with the baby, but when I was about 9 weeks I had this sudden sharp pain in my left side right over where I thought my ovary would be. I was worried that it might be twisted, which is something that can happen after hyper-stimulation with IVF. The pain was so bad I could barely walk, but after Dr. Lunt thoroughly checked me out, we found that there was absolutely nothing wrong. I was so relieved! I just had to take Tylenol for about a week and then the pain went away. Dr. Lunt thought it might have been from inflammation from my lovely progesterone shots in the hip. (Those are over now--thank goodness! :))

I am excited about my 2nd trimester. I'm starting to feel a lot better. I still feel yucky at times, but much better. I am also beginning to feel more connected to my pregnancy. I think there is a little bit of healing that has to happen after so many years of infertility. I got so used to disappointment that I built up emotional callouses, or something. Sometimes I have to remind myself that that struggle is over now and I'm moving onto a new challenge that is so much more productive. Sometimes I just want to pinch myself because we're so. very. blessed.

All is well at the Scotts and I'm looking forward to what's to come! :)

Our Miracle!

Hello Friends,

First, I want to thank you all for the outpouring of love we have felt from you all over the last few months. It has been a challenging journey, but the blessings have far exceeded the trials.

All our dreams have come true. WE'RE PREGNANT! Needless to say, we're over the moon. We've known about 2 weeks, but it wasn't until today that I had my first ultrasound and we were able to see the baby's heartbeat. :) Here is our sweet little peanut...

I can't describe to you the amazing feeling of having our prayers answered. 5 years of hoping and fasting and praying has finally brought us a successful pregnancy. We know there is a long way to go, and we're still rather guarded as we know things can always change, but our hearts are just so full of gratitude.

Here is a little run down of what the past few weeks have been like. The week after the embryo transfer I spent tons of time in bed and I was really enjoying not feeling deathly ill like I did when I was sick with IVF. The second week after IVF was pretty rough, though. The wait was killing us, especially me. I ended up taking a pregnancy test when I was 8 days past my transfer date, or 13 days past ovulation. It was so weird because the whole night before I kept having these dreams about taking a test and it being positive. I woke up around 4 a.m. and finally took it, and sure enough, it was positive. We were cautiously excited. My hcg blood test wasn't scheduled until the next Monday, so I knew we'd have to wait it out a few days.

The day after I took the pregnancy test, the cramping in my ovaries came back with a vengeance and I got too sick to finish one of the classes I was teaching. I called my doctor and admitted to taking the pregnancy test (they get mad if you test too early) and they had me go in to take a blood test. My first hcg level came back at a 168, way above average. We were so excited that we decided to tell our families.

Telling my parents was so fun. We waited for them to get home from this banquet fundraiser, and we hung out at their house, our cover story being that I needed help on a sewing project. I told my parents, "we got some bad news today. I went in for blood testing early, and the doctors don't think IVF worked..." I paused for a second while my mom came over to hug me..." they KNOW it worked!" My family was so confused/ excited, and my little sister Amy was freaking out. It was so fun!

Two days later we did more blood work and my numbers came back at a 397, also way above average. My fertility specialist pretty much told me congratulations and to send him pictures, which I thought was a good sign! A few days after that I started getting morning sickness. I'm honestly not that bad. I feel nauseous most of the time, except for right after I eat something, but I know a lot of women have it so much worse than I. I'm still trying to figure out what will help me fight it off the most. It's all so worth it, but not particularly fun. So far I'm putting this ginger extract into Sprite and drinking it and trying to eat little meals all the time. I also just ordered these essential oils (Peppermint, Ginger, Lemon, and Lavender) that should help. Any other suggestions?

Having our ultrasound today was so reassuring. It was a little disorienting for me, just because I've had a hunch that we would get pregnant with twins from IVF, but I felt a great sense of peace and even relief when the ultrasound technician told us we're expecting one. Seeing that little heart beat flicker was truly amazing. Life is such a miracle and it's such a miracle to me to have life growing inside of me. Every morning I wake up and can't believe this is real. My due date is November 10. All our dreams have come true!

Transfer Complete!

Hello Lovelies,

I have good news...I am feeling a lot better, and, most importantly, we were able to go through with the transfer Wednesday! YEY!!!!! We were so afraid the doctors wouldn't let us, even up until the last moment when the doctor did an ultrasound and found all this fluid trapped in my abdomen from my over-stimulated ovaries.

The transfer was such a beautiful experience and is hard to explain. The procedure is pretty uncomfortable, kind of like a pap smear on steroids that lasts 15 minutes, but they had me on Valium for it, so it wasn't so bad. The first thing they did was bring in a picture of our embryos. They let Shaye see it first. It was in a little card-stock frame like prom pictures are. I know it sounds so weird, but I feel so much love when I look at this picture. Even though it's just two little blastocysts (embryos that are beginning to separate into both baby cells and placenta cells), they hold the possibility of a future family for us.

Toward the end of the procedure, the Embryologist brought in our embryos in a tiny syringe. They injected it into a catheter that was placed in my uterus and I watched on the monitor as a tiny white dot (both of our embryos) embedded into my uterine wall. I was taken aback by the feeling of wonder and gratitude that I felt at the miracle of science. Even though we don't know what this experience will bring or what the outcome will be, it is definitely making us stronger people, and we are so grateful for the opportunity to try.

Here is a picture of me right after the transfer. I have my earbuds in because I'm listening to a guided meditation meant to relax me after the transfer. I've been listening to this program (which has different guided meditations for each day of the cycle) throughout the process and it's made so much of a difference because of how high stress this process is.

So for now I have what those in the infertility world call the 2ww (2 week wait). I'm trying to stay calm, relaxed, and open, but my mind definitely wanders. There are a lot of moments I feel really concerned just because I'm still feeling so ill, though overall I'm doing much better and eating again (HOORAY!). However, my lungs have been filling with fluid from the over-stimulation lately, which has caused me to cough a lot. Each time I cough, I worry. I try to remind myself that there are drug addicts and extreme athletes out there doing crazy things and these women maintain their pregnancies, but I still worry. I just don't want to do a thing wrong. I am on bed rest/ loaf around on the couch rest for 5 days, as my doctors suggested, and I'm drinking 64 ounces of Gatorade (and nothing else) to keep myself hydrated from my over-stimulation. I used to love a Gatorade after working out. I'm pretty sure I'll never want one again after this. Ever. :)

This experience so far has taught me so so much. It's brought Shaye and me so much closer. He's never had to be my caretaker before, and he's done it so brilliantly and been there for me at every moment. I've also learned a lot about suffering. I know that there are people out there going through things a hundred times worse than I, but this is the hardest thing I've ever done. There have been times when I have prayed for relief from pain and still been left to endure it for a long time. It has taught me that the core of myself is a lot stronger than I knew. I have also learned a lot about prayer. I've never been in a situation where so many were praying in my behalf, and it is an amazing feeling. It makes me feel the connectedness of what makes us brothers and sisters.

So, the waiting continues, my friends. We will know in about two weeks, and so I can assure you that we'll post on here then. (Really, how could we ever be one of those couples who waits until the second trimester? Once we planned to do IVF we knew that wasn't in the cards for us. :))

Love you all so much! Thank you for the love and support. It means more to us than you could possibly imagine!

Complications

Hello Dear Friends,

I am writing to give you a quick update. I had my egg retrieval on Friday and the doctor harvested 21 eggs! Wahoo! This is a great number and well above average. I guess my overachieving ovaries really delivered. We got an update yesterday and 16 of the 21 eggs have fertilized and are rapidly growing embryos. We may lose a few more along the way, but if all goes well we may come out of this with a dozen or more good embryos. This is the good news...

The past few days we've also been given some not so good news. First of all, the nurse didn't give me enough anesthesia and I woke up during my egg retrieval surgery. Very painful. Even worse, I have OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome,) which occurs in about 10% of IVF patients. In short, I feel like I have an evil creature living in my stomach and my ovaries are the size of oranges when they should be the size of a fig, which is very painful and crampy.

This is a serious complication because when the ovaries are hyperstimulated they pull a lot of the fluid and electrolytes out of the bloodstream. The result: I have gained 10 lb in water weight in the last few days and I look six months pregnant.

All this yuckiness would be fine, but if I don't get well quickly, my doctor will cancel the rest of my IVF cycle, and we will have to wait for 2 months when we will then use our same embryos, which will have been frozen and thawed. This is not ideal compared to a fresh cycle, so it was really tough news to take. Right now I am just doing everything the doctor is asking me to do and hoping and praying for the best. My doctor will make a decision by Tuesday if we are going to have the transfer Wednesday or not.

We know that Heavenly Father is in charge of our family, and that all the pain and suffering is for a good reason. We love you all and hope all is well with you.

Gearing up for my Egg Retrieval!

Hello blog friends,

First of all, do you know how lovely and wonderful you all are? I read your comments and laugh, smile, and cry (happy tears). Your support means the world to me. Honestly.

I just wanted to post a quick update before we make our odyssey up to Salt Lake for the rest of our in-vitro process. At this point, we're basically full of good news.

1. I have now completely lost my modesty. If a doctor wants to do a vaginal ultrasound, be my guest. It doesn't even phase me anymore. I've heard people say having a baby makes you lose your modesty when doctors and nurses check your cervix ever five seconds. IVF isn't quite that intense, but I've seen 3 different doctors this week, with 2 more to come later on. Pretty sure pap smears won't scare me after this, haha.

2. Remember the big huge needle from my last post that I was scared about? Well, Shaye gave me my first shot in the hip with that 2 inch sucker today, and to my intense shock, it didn't even hurt. He was terrified to give it to me and has been squirming about it all week, but when it came down to it he was acting like it was no big deal because he knew how nervous I was. When he poked me I asked, "did you do it?" because I barely felt a thing. Yey! Maybe the next few weeks of shots won't be so bad after all!

3. My ovaries are FULL of eggs! I have about 13 mature follicles ready to go, which is a great number. I haven't felt too sick, though today was probably the worst. Every time I sit down I just feel like there is something in my abdomen that shouldn't be there. The lining of my uterus is also very thick (at 15 cm) and they want it at at least 6 cm. My estrogen level is at 3,600 (whatever that means?) which they said is fantastic. YEY!

4. My hormonal reactions to my medication have subsided a bit. A few times I have become very panicked without knowing why, but then I seem to feel much better for a while. I guess all the poking and prodding can be aggravating to the point where I feel like a scientific experiment. Shaye tries to remind me that my anxiety and weirdness are only the medications, which is quite true, but I tell him it's like knowing you're in a bad dream, but not being able to get out of it. Haha. We've had some good laughs.

All in all, things are going great! My doctor, Dr. Peterson is very optimistic about my response to the medication so far, and we have really felt lifted up by all our family and friends. Thank you so much! I probably will not post for a few days as my egg retrieval will be Friday and I will likely be high as a kite from the anesthesia, but I'll let you know the progress of our little "embies" once we know more.

Lots of love!