33 Weeks and Living in Gratitude

I just wanted to add a quick little update. My pregnancy is moving right along, and I'm just feeling so grateful and happy every single day. It definitely hasn't been all roses; I'm pretty uncomfortable at times. Today, for example, I had a killer migraine--definitely not fun. I'm also noticing that most of my shoes don't fit anymore and my skin is peppered with stretch marks all over my hips. There's definitely been overwhelming moments and times when I'm really uncomfortable, but it's been so interesting to sense the difference between this discomfort and every other discomfort I've ever felt. Every negative thing I feel is so tempered with love for this little one I am carrying and the awe I feel at this blessing. I hope that I can carry this through all that is to come with my pregnancy, childbirth, and post-partum healing. Somehow I think I will. :)

Trying to get pregnant for all those years was rather painful at times. The surgeries, the debilitating pain from endometriosis, and all the doctors' poking and prodding left me really frustrating with my body. But now, even though I feel big, and puffy, and definitely not sexy, I'm so proud of my body! My body has done all that it should for the whole pregnancy. I'm doing it! It's been so healing for me.

Every now and then the obvious, but powerful, realization hits me--sometimes when I'm walking, sometimes when I'm in the shower, sometimes when I lie down at night and feel the baby twisting and turning inside of me. I am a mother. This blessing that Shaye and I hoped for and prayed for so long is happening. It's such a miracle. Just being pregnant with her and carrying her is worth every tear I cried over those 5 years. I already feel so close to our little girl. Most of the time it feels like she's already here with us. I know it will even be sweeter when I can actually hold her in my arms.  I also can't wait to see Shaye as a father. I know he's going to be a hopeless push-over and our little miss is going to have him wrapped around her finger from the get-go. :)

Life is wonderful here at the Scotts'! We're living a miracle, and it's changed everything. I know that miracles happen, not only for me, but for all of us. When I see those that I love struggling with all sorts of things, I feel so much hope for them. I know that Heavenly Father listens on all those nights when we think He's sick of us, that the Lord comforts us and builds us up through the power of his love, and that things do get better for those who diligently seek His help and then work like crazy to make it happen. Miracles come in many forms and are sometimes not exactly what we hope for or expect, but they come!

So. grateful.

Showered with Love--part 2

I have been feeling ridiculously blessed lately. Ridiculously. So many people have been reaching out with so much love and excitement to us, and it sinks in more and more each day--I'm going to be a mom! Some days are rather uncomfortable or even a bit painful, it's true, but the magic of pregnancy never fades for me. I still can't believe how blessed we are. And even though I've always known it, our little miracle has made it even more apparent than ever how blessed I am to have wonderful friends.

A few weekends ago my dear friends from Executive Council-- (Exec Sisters 4 Life! :))-- threw me a shower. These girls have been here for me through thick and thin. We can't get together a lot because we're all spread out, but when we do, I feel like I'm with family. We're such a diverse little group of friends; the dynamic of the group reminds me of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants books. We're all so different, but we're close and we love each other. Here are some of these girls, a few couldn't make it too.

Ray-shell, Cinders, and J-Thug. Love these ladies!

The shower was so much fun! I just loved chatting with everyone and catching up, and eating all the yummy food my friends made! One of my favorite moment was when a bunch of my friends were all sitting on the floor with their babies. It made think about all the times growing up that I would fantasize about when we would all be mothers and would hope that I would still be friends with the same girls. I still am! And I love the girls I grew up with so much!

Megs and Katie (and little Lacey)...so darling!

And boy was I showered on! I always have a hard time accepting people's generosity. I feel like I should be the one giving to them because of all the love I already feel from them. I got so much fun stuff... darling little outfits, toys, quilts, swaddle blankets, and even a pedicure! From the looks on my face in these pics, you can tell how much I loved the present for the baby.

Haha--I crack myself up! I always think of myself as this straight-faced person, but then I see pictures of myself with these crazy expressions! :)

So, what can I say? Life is pretty much amazing. I have the most amazing friends and am so blessed in every way! Thank you so much to all the people who love me. I hope I help you as much in your lives as you do in mine! Our little girl will be blessed to have all of you in her life as well!

Showered with Love--part 1

This last Saturday, one of the sweetest things of my life happened. My young women threw me and another leader Skye, my good friend, a shower. It might not sound like that emotional of a thing, but it was very emotional for me. For the past 3 years I have served these girls, and in the pain of my infertility, I felt like a sort of surrogate mother for them. They filled a portion of my life that would have otherwise been very empty.

The girls really downplayed the shower. "It's going to be really small. No big thing." But it was a big thing. There were a dozen or so of us there, and there was so much love in the room. The church was decorated SO CUTE! There were these paper lanterns and tissue paper puffs hanging from the ceiling and a darling "Baby Girl" banner. The other leaders put together these cute games. The girls smelled candy bar diapers and tried to estimate how big Skye's and my bellies were together (back to back).

The girls put together the sweetest gifts. Among my favorites were some gorgeous felt headband accessories and an unbelievably darling quilt. I felt so overwhelmed. This whole time of my life is such a blessing. I can't wait for what's to come. I know the upcoming celebrations and (of course) the birth of our little girl will be even sweeter.

7 Months Along and Loving Life!

Hi Friends,

My apologies that I've been such a bad blogger lately. I'm not sure why, but the longer I take the post, the harder it is.

My life consists of a few important things right now: nesting and studying. I have to say, I am a really spoiled pregnant lady. I have worked my whole pregnancy, but after my first trimester, I've only been teaching online and not on campus. I'm such a homebody that I really don't mind lounging around the house all day. There's really a lot to do around here. (Do I really get the "important" things done? Not so much--most days, but I have been having fun.)

My nesting has gotten out of control folks. Seriously. If I were a normal woman I would be invading every retailer in town to buy darling baby stuff, but I hate waste, and I don't want to end up with 30 newborn outfits that our little girl won't even get the chance to wear. To tell you the truth, I haven't bought anything.

My nesting has been of the crafty variety. I have been quilting and sewing most. This wouldn't be ridiculous on it's own, but I'm telling you, I've planned out a whole wardrobe for our little girl. Hopefully she doesn't look totally weird always walking around in hand-crafted clothes. :/ Here's the latest thing I've made:

My nesting really would be perfectly fine, except that I have a lot of academic things I need to do. I don't think I've written about this at all on here yet, but the last year or so of my Ph.D. has been tough! (You can skip the next few paragraphs if academic chatter bores you.) Last fall I took on a full load of teaching and my own coursework because I knew we would be doing IVF at the first of the year and hoped that we would conceive--(epic success!!). That semester was totally exhausting. It's a wonder I didn't crash one of those nights driving back from Vegas. I was so tired. Last spring, I studied for my comprehensive exams. As is typical for Ph.D. programs, I am required to pass 3 written exams and one oral exam. For these exams I reviewed a list of about 200 works. These texts were in 3 different categories: 19th Century British Literature, The History of the Novel, and Feminist Literature.

The written exams involve sitting in a locked room for 3 hours for each exams and answering essay questions that can be on anything my committee wants to know from my three lists. I took these exams in April and they were SO TOUGH, and I had morning sickness, which didn't help at all. I felt pretty confident, but studying so much volume made me feel confused sometimes. I was totally crestfallen when my chair called me a few after I had completed the exams and told me that I had not passed 1 of the 3. This set me back from starting my dissertation, which I was really hoping to get started before the baby came.

Instead, now I'm studying for my last written exam again. (It's the 19th Century British one, which is the one I felt most confident about last time..??) There's a lot of pressure because if I don't pass this time, they don't let me write a dissertation. I'll be taking the written exam in the next few weeks and then I'll face my committee a few weeks after that. (Imagine 3 Ivy-League-educated, ultra-liberal, and super smart lady Drs. of Literature who all want to find something wrong with me. No pressure.)

And so I'm reading lots and lots. This is what's been on the menu for the past few weeks:

Oh, and on top of that, I need to pass an upper-division Spanish Lit class (Independent Study from BYU) by the time the baby comes. I LOVE school, don't get me wrong, but I am so really to be done. I've got to pull my head out of all the pink tull and floral printed fabric in the nursery to get this done. Wish me luck.

As far as my pregnancy, it's really a gift. Feeling this little baby move inside me is such a miracle. I can't believe I'm really going to be a mommy. It's such miracle, and I try to thank Heavenly Father every day for it. I'm feeling pretty good, but I definitely am getting more uncomfortable. Most nights I sleep great, but about every third night either heartburn or pain in my ribs keep me up. Alas, not even my trusty body pillow can completely alleviate the discomfort.

I have about 2.5 months to go, which oddly feels both long and short. I guess I was expecting my pregnancy to go so slowly, and it hasn't gone slowly at all. I look at my tummy in the morning and think, "what happened?!"In some ways I feel totally prepared for what's about to happen, and in some ways I feel like I'll never be prepared. I'm sure any of you who have had babies know what I mean. Sometimes I'm a jumble of emotions, but I remind myself to take it all in stride and try to just enjoy the ride. :)

Thanks for reading. I promise I'll update again soon. Now all the excitement is happening!

Pregnancy So Far

Pregnancy so far has been absolutely wonderful, especially the past few months since I've been over my nausea for the most part. When people ask me how it feels to finally be pregnant, I find myself at a loss to explain my emotions, which is an unusual situation for me. I am just. so. happy. In all the years that we tried to conceive I always imagined finally getting pregnant, and I imagined that every day of my life would feel like a gift. That is exactly how I feel. I am in awe of the miracle that has happened to us, and I feel so much gratitude.

A few weeks ago I think Shaye realized that all the horror stories his friends had told him about how cranky their wives were pregnant would be a different situation than ours. One day he said, "you're a lot less hormonal pregnant than you were in all the years we were trying to get pregnant." And it's true. I feel more calm and certainly more happy now than I ever have. Sometimes this happiness makes me into a bit of a ridiculous person. Whenever I can feel the baby kicking, I get this goofy grin that I can't wipe off my face. If we're around family, I want everyone to be able to feel the baby kick. Sometimes I cry during diaper commercials and IHC newborn commercials. I cry, not because I'm feeling loopy and hormonal, and certainly not because I'm sad, but because I am just so happy. We didn't know if this would ever happen for us, and I feel like my whole life is a miracle now.

So, you'll see that I'm really a broken record. I'm perpetually happy and I don't care who knows it. How did I get so blessed? I am happier than I ever imagined being, and I know that it will only get better from here. Despite all of the challenges that undoubtedly await us, I know that the Lord has prepared me to be a mother, and that as I work to do all that I can for our baby he will make up the difference.

And now here is a long overdue update on our little miracle.

16 weeks. This was when I could first here the baby move. Such an amazing feeling! I thought it was my imagination at first, but then as time went on I learned to recognize it. Now I can feel the baby respond to loud sounds and she always kicks when I lay down at night. She's going to be a busy little night owl like her mama, I can feel it!

Our gender reveal party with my family. This was WAY more fun than I imagined it being. We kept our ultrasound a secret. I was SURE I was having a boy, so imagine my surprise when the technician, after the baby hid from us for a good 40 minutes, told us it was A GIRL! I was seriously shocked and couldn't stop giggling. I made a gender reveal cake that turned out horribly--(the aspiring Martha Stewart side of me imagined this perfectly decorated cake and it just didn't happen!) This resulted in my first, and so far, only pregnancy melt down. When we got to my parents' everyone was so excited to here the news. We were waiting for my Dad to come down to the kitchen and my mom caught a fleck of pink on the outer white frosting of the cake. "I see pink," she said. I tried to act like that was so weird, but I was totally freaking out. Here is the video of her cutting the cake. It was so fun!:

I am SO EXCITED that we're having a girl and so is Shaye. What's not to love about girls?? She's the first grandbaby for by parents and the first girl in Shaye's ginormous family in a long time. She's going to be so loved!  I'm almost 22 weeks now, and I can't believe I'll be able to hold her in 4 short months!

I'll post another update soon of my more recent pregnancy and our cruise to Alaska. We had such a fun little Babymoon!

I'm A Guest Blogger! :)

Hi Friends,

I just wanted to drop a quick line to tell you that I am being featured as a guest blogger on my good friend Kenna's infertility and adoption blog. She is one of the many AMAZING women I've met on this journey and I've learned so much from her strong endurance through many insanely difficult trials. It was such a pleasure to share my experiences on her blog. My piece is entitled "My Revised Fairytale" and you can view it here: http://www.myiwrite.com/2012/05/revised-fairytale.html.

Lots of love!

Thoughts on Mother's Day

Mother's Day was simply amazing for me this year. I hate to admit it, but Mother's Day has been a bit dreaded for me for the past few years. Once I even faked sick to get out of going to church. (Shame on me!) This year, we woke up in a hurry as usual, and I hadn't really given much thought to the day. In sacrament meeting I was so nauseous I didn't have time to really feel anything meaningful, but in Relief Society when my bishop stood up and struggled through tears to talk about the divinity of motherhood and showed several short Mormon Message videos on it, I totally lost it. In one of the short videos there was a dark haired young mom holding a tiny dark haired infant and it hit me that that was going to be me. It was a real "full circle" moment for me. For 5 years we have fasted and prayed to be parents and struggled with the pain of loss and disappointment, and now I can hardly believe our blessings!

I'm just so extremely grateful for the miracle of pregnancy and the divine heritage that we have to be able to be mothers. What could be more sweet? I now feel that I am coming into full step with who I'm really meant to be. I'm certain that I'll continue to change a lot as my journey progresses, and doubtless, there will be intense challenges up ahead, but there is nothing I would want to do with my life but this!

To make this weekend even better, I got to attend my long-time friend Nikki's baby shower on Saturday. It was so fun! It was another first for me. Baby showers have been a bit hard for the past few years too. Honestly, I've never had a hard time being happy for my friends--not at all! However, sometimes I felt self-conscious and felt the need to be super-Pollyanna about things. No one wants a cranky infertile woman to crash the shower!

This was just so different. I felt that full bloom in my heart of the joy of being a woman and a mother. I even posed for my first belly shot (above), which felt a bit foolish because I'm just barely showing. You can see my cracking up in the second picture because Nikki is jamming her 8 month pregnant tummy into my back to help my baby bump look bigger. I love my friends so so much! It was a joyous day for me to talk to them, play with their sweet babies, and look forward to the future.

In short, life really couldn't be any better. I feel so richly blessed, and I just can't believe how sweet and joyous my life is as I feel this little baby grow inside of me. How did I get so lucky?

Our Miracle: 12 Weeks

It's about time for an update, I think! :) Thank you all for your recommendations to relieve nausea. I have tried each and every suggestion, and it pretty much seems random. Sometimes ginger or peppermint helps, and sometimes nothing helps. It has all stayed very manageable, though. I haven't thrown up once, so at its worst it's just been pretty bad nausea. I ended up telling my students 2 weeks ago because I was just not myself with being sick. I was nervous about sharing the news, but they were all very excited for me.

Here I am. I'm not really showing yet, but I definitely have a little pudge. :)

Even though being sick isn't fun, morning sickness has been a real blessing for me. When we found out that IVF worked, I was almost 4 weeks and then the first few weeks of pregnancy I was terrified of miscarrying. It felt so wrong to be so full of fear when I should just be feeling gratitude and I prayed to stop feeling so afraid. Heavenly Father answered my prayers through an unlikely answer; the nausea and exhaustion soon kicked in, and after that I didn't have a chance to be worried about miscarrying. The nausea is a constant reminder that my baby is strong and that this is going to work.

Now, here I am. Already finished with my first trimester! It's strange for me to think that this is the time a lot of people just begin to share their news, which makes my pregnancy seem extra long, but then I have to remind myself that we are not a normal couple and this is not a normal pregnancy. This baby has been prayed for and hoped for so long and by so many that my journey is likely to be a bit different.

We have been so blessed so far to have very few complications. Absolutely nothing has gone wrong with the baby, but when I was about 9 weeks I had this sudden sharp pain in my left side right over where I thought my ovary would be. I was worried that it might be twisted, which is something that can happen after hyper-stimulation with IVF. The pain was so bad I could barely walk, but after Dr. Lunt thoroughly checked me out, we found that there was absolutely nothing wrong. I was so relieved! I just had to take Tylenol for about a week and then the pain went away. Dr. Lunt thought it might have been from inflammation from my lovely progesterone shots in the hip. (Those are over now--thank goodness! :))

I am excited about my 2nd trimester. I'm starting to feel a lot better. I still feel yucky at times, but much better. I am also beginning to feel more connected to my pregnancy. I think there is a little bit of healing that has to happen after so many years of infertility. I got so used to disappointment that I built up emotional callouses, or something. Sometimes I have to remind myself that that struggle is over now and I'm moving onto a new challenge that is so much more productive. Sometimes I just want to pinch myself because we're so. very. blessed.

All is well at the Scotts and I'm looking forward to what's to come! :)

Our Miracle!

Hello Friends,

First, I want to thank you all for the outpouring of love we have felt from you all over the last few months. It has been a challenging journey, but the blessings have far exceeded the trials.

All our dreams have come true. WE'RE PREGNANT! Needless to say, we're over the moon. We've known about 2 weeks, but it wasn't until today that I had my first ultrasound and we were able to see the baby's heartbeat. :) Here is our sweet little peanut...

I can't describe to you the amazing feeling of having our prayers answered. 5 years of hoping and fasting and praying has finally brought us a successful pregnancy. We know there is a long way to go, and we're still rather guarded as we know things can always change, but our hearts are just so full of gratitude.

Here is a little run down of what the past few weeks have been like. The week after the embryo transfer I spent tons of time in bed and I was really enjoying not feeling deathly ill like I did when I was sick with IVF. The second week after IVF was pretty rough, though. The wait was killing us, especially me. I ended up taking a pregnancy test when I was 8 days past my transfer date, or 13 days past ovulation. It was so weird because the whole night before I kept having these dreams about taking a test and it being positive. I woke up around 4 a.m. and finally took it, and sure enough, it was positive. We were cautiously excited. My hcg blood test wasn't scheduled until the next Monday, so I knew we'd have to wait it out a few days.

The day after I took the pregnancy test, the cramping in my ovaries came back with a vengeance and I got too sick to finish one of the classes I was teaching. I called my doctor and admitted to taking the pregnancy test (they get mad if you test too early) and they had me go in to take a blood test. My first hcg level came back at a 168, way above average. We were so excited that we decided to tell our families.

Telling my parents was so fun. We waited for them to get home from this banquet fundraiser, and we hung out at their house, our cover story being that I needed help on a sewing project. I told my parents, "we got some bad news today. I went in for blood testing early, and the doctors don't think IVF worked..." I paused for a second while my mom came over to hug me..." they KNOW it worked!" My family was so confused/ excited, and my little sister Amy was freaking out. It was so fun!

Two days later we did more blood work and my numbers came back at a 397, also way above average. My fertility specialist pretty much told me congratulations and to send him pictures, which I thought was a good sign! A few days after that I started getting morning sickness. I'm honestly not that bad. I feel nauseous most of the time, except for right after I eat something, but I know a lot of women have it so much worse than I. I'm still trying to figure out what will help me fight it off the most. It's all so worth it, but not particularly fun. So far I'm putting this ginger extract into Sprite and drinking it and trying to eat little meals all the time. I also just ordered these essential oils (Peppermint, Ginger, Lemon, and Lavender) that should help. Any other suggestions?

Having our ultrasound today was so reassuring. It was a little disorienting for me, just because I've had a hunch that we would get pregnant with twins from IVF, but I felt a great sense of peace and even relief when the ultrasound technician told us we're expecting one. Seeing that little heart beat flicker was truly amazing. Life is such a miracle and it's such a miracle to me to have life growing inside of me. Every morning I wake up and can't believe this is real. My due date is November 10. All our dreams have come true!

Transfer Complete!

Hello Lovelies,

I have good news...I am feeling a lot better, and, most importantly, we were able to go through with the transfer Wednesday! YEY!!!!! We were so afraid the doctors wouldn't let us, even up until the last moment when the doctor did an ultrasound and found all this fluid trapped in my abdomen from my over-stimulated ovaries.

The transfer was such a beautiful experience and is hard to explain. The procedure is pretty uncomfortable, kind of like a pap smear on steroids that lasts 15 minutes, but they had me on Valium for it, so it wasn't so bad. The first thing they did was bring in a picture of our embryos. They let Shaye see it first. It was in a little card-stock frame like prom pictures are. I know it sounds so weird, but I feel so much love when I look at this picture. Even though it's just two little blastocysts (embryos that are beginning to separate into both baby cells and placenta cells), they hold the possibility of a future family for us.

Toward the end of the procedure, the Embryologist brought in our embryos in a tiny syringe. They injected it into a catheter that was placed in my uterus and I watched on the monitor as a tiny white dot (both of our embryos) embedded into my uterine wall. I was taken aback by the feeling of wonder and gratitude that I felt at the miracle of science. Even though we don't know what this experience will bring or what the outcome will be, it is definitely making us stronger people, and we are so grateful for the opportunity to try.

Here is a picture of me right after the transfer. I have my earbuds in because I'm listening to a guided meditation meant to relax me after the transfer. I've been listening to this program (which has different guided meditations for each day of the cycle) throughout the process and it's made so much of a difference because of how high stress this process is.

So for now I have what those in the infertility world call the 2ww (2 week wait). I'm trying to stay calm, relaxed, and open, but my mind definitely wanders. There are a lot of moments I feel really concerned just because I'm still feeling so ill, though overall I'm doing much better and eating again (HOORAY!). However, my lungs have been filling with fluid from the over-stimulation lately, which has caused me to cough a lot. Each time I cough, I worry. I try to remind myself that there are drug addicts and extreme athletes out there doing crazy things and these women maintain their pregnancies, but I still worry. I just don't want to do a thing wrong. I am on bed rest/ loaf around on the couch rest for 5 days, as my doctors suggested, and I'm drinking 64 ounces of Gatorade (and nothing else) to keep myself hydrated from my over-stimulation. I used to love a Gatorade after working out. I'm pretty sure I'll never want one again after this. Ever. :)

This experience so far has taught me so so much. It's brought Shaye and me so much closer. He's never had to be my caretaker before, and he's done it so brilliantly and been there for me at every moment. I've also learned a lot about suffering. I know that there are people out there going through things a hundred times worse than I, but this is the hardest thing I've ever done. There have been times when I have prayed for relief from pain and still been left to endure it for a long time. It has taught me that the core of myself is a lot stronger than I knew. I have also learned a lot about prayer. I've never been in a situation where so many were praying in my behalf, and it is an amazing feeling. It makes me feel the connectedness of what makes us brothers and sisters.

So, the waiting continues, my friends. We will know in about two weeks, and so I can assure you that we'll post on here then. (Really, how could we ever be one of those couples who waits until the second trimester? Once we planned to do IVF we knew that wasn't in the cards for us. :))

Love you all so much! Thank you for the love and support. It means more to us than you could possibly imagine!

Complications

Hello Dear Friends,

I am writing to give you a quick update. I had my egg retrieval on Friday and the doctor harvested 21 eggs! Wahoo! This is a great number and well above average. I guess my overachieving ovaries really delivered. We got an update yesterday and 16 of the 21 eggs have fertilized and are rapidly growing embryos. We may lose a few more along the way, but if all goes well we may come out of this with a dozen or more good embryos. This is the good news...

The past few days we've also been given some not so good news. First of all, the nurse didn't give me enough anesthesia and I woke up during my egg retrieval surgery. Very painful. Even worse, I have OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome,) which occurs in about 10% of IVF patients. In short, I feel like I have an evil creature living in my stomach and my ovaries are the size of oranges when they should be the size of a fig, which is very painful and crampy.

This is a serious complication because when the ovaries are hyperstimulated they pull a lot of the fluid and electrolytes out of the bloodstream. The result: I have gained 10 lb in water weight in the last few days and I look six months pregnant.

All this yuckiness would be fine, but if I don't get well quickly, my doctor will cancel the rest of my IVF cycle, and we will have to wait for 2 months when we will then use our same embryos, which will have been frozen and thawed. This is not ideal compared to a fresh cycle, so it was really tough news to take. Right now I am just doing everything the doctor is asking me to do and hoping and praying for the best. My doctor will make a decision by Tuesday if we are going to have the transfer Wednesday or not.

We know that Heavenly Father is in charge of our family, and that all the pain and suffering is for a good reason. We love you all and hope all is well with you.

Gearing up for my Egg Retrieval!

Hello blog friends,

First of all, do you know how lovely and wonderful you all are? I read your comments and laugh, smile, and cry (happy tears). Your support means the world to me. Honestly.

I just wanted to post a quick update before we make our odyssey up to Salt Lake for the rest of our in-vitro process. At this point, we're basically full of good news.

1. I have now completely lost my modesty. If a doctor wants to do a vaginal ultrasound, be my guest. It doesn't even phase me anymore. I've heard people say having a baby makes you lose your modesty when doctors and nurses check your cervix ever five seconds. IVF isn't quite that intense, but I've seen 3 different doctors this week, with 2 more to come later on. Pretty sure pap smears won't scare me after this, haha.

2. Remember the big huge needle from my last post that I was scared about? Well, Shaye gave me my first shot in the hip with that 2 inch sucker today, and to my intense shock, it didn't even hurt. He was terrified to give it to me and has been squirming about it all week, but when it came down to it he was acting like it was no big deal because he knew how nervous I was. When he poked me I asked, "did you do it?" because I barely felt a thing. Yey! Maybe the next few weeks of shots won't be so bad after all!

3. My ovaries are FULL of eggs! I have about 13 mature follicles ready to go, which is a great number. I haven't felt too sick, though today was probably the worst. Every time I sit down I just feel like there is something in my abdomen that shouldn't be there. The lining of my uterus is also very thick (at 15 cm) and they want it at at least 6 cm. My estrogen level is at 3,600 (whatever that means?) which they said is fantastic. YEY!

4. My hormonal reactions to my medication have subsided a bit. A few times I have become very panicked without knowing why, but then I seem to feel much better for a while. I guess all the poking and prodding can be aggravating to the point where I feel like a scientific experiment. Shaye tries to remind me that my anxiety and weirdness are only the medications, which is quite true, but I tell him it's like knowing you're in a bad dream, but not being able to get out of it. Haha. We've had some good laughs.

All in all, things are going great! My doctor, Dr. Peterson is very optimistic about my response to the medication so far, and we have really felt lifted up by all our family and friends. Thank you so much! I probably will not post for a few days as my egg retrieval will be Friday and I will likely be high as a kite from the anesthesia, but I'll let you know the progress of our little "embies" once we know more.

Lots of love!

Needles

It has been a crazy last couple weeks! Last time I posted here I was just beginning my injections. Well, now the needles and I are SUPER good friends.  It's going fine, but man is this a crazy ride! Check out my current drug cocktail:

Repronex...I have to mix a powder and a saline for this one, and these shots leave ouchy welts on my tummy.

Gonal F...this drug is in a neat little pen. It's kind of like a locker combination that I have to program just right to give myself a shot. It took me 45 minutes to figure out the first time.

Lupron...this is an absolutely lovely drug compared to the two above.

I have had three injections for the past 3 days and now I'll just have two a day for a while. The shots themselves are not bad, but the side effects are wacko. Truth be told, I am the source of almost constant entertainment for Shaye these days. There are times that I feel perfectly normal, and then there are moments when I seriously feel like a five-year-old who just got her feelings hurt or something. Because I'm injecting myself with pure hormones that stimulate my ovaries, I'm pretty sure I'm more dramatic than I've ever been in my life. I'm not ornery, per se, just pretty emotional and a little loopy.

Oh, and one more thing...I was feeling super tough last time I posted.  3 weeks of shots? I can so do that! Then I was talking to my nurse, and guess what? Once I have my egg retrieval I get to start progesterone injections...into my bum...with a 2 inch needle. Oh boy.  (See it below?) If I don't get pregnant with IVF I'll only have to take the progesterone for two and a half weeks. If I'm pregnant I have to have the shots for the FIRST TRIMESTER. Oh wow. It's totally worth it, of course, but YOUCH!

So far I have learned a few very important things:

1. Women have to want a baby REALLY BAD to do in-vitro.
2. Hormones are a very strange thing. Even if my brain can be totally rational, my hormones can still make me feel like a crazy person.
3. I have the most amazing friends and family ever! Thank you all for your words of support. You have no idea how much it helps!

Love you all! I'll check back in sometime in the next week. I'll probably have my egg retrieval next Thursday or Friday and we'll know a lot more then. We continue to be hopeful, but I know this is going to be worth it whether we get pregnant or not. We have faith in Heavenly Father's plan for our family. :) Thank you again for all your love and support!

The Start of a Wild Ride!

Hi Friends,

Today we officially started our in-vitro process. I started my three weeks of injections today. This is going to be one wild ride, I'm sure of it, but we are so excited and grateful for this opportunity to try for a baby! This could be the answers to all our prayers. We're trying to be hopeful but not get our hopes up at the point. Our doctors have been super positive about our situation. They've told us we have as high as a 70% chance of success, so we are hopeful, but we know there is always a chance it could fail. The real excitement (as far as the egg retrieval and fertilization) won't begin until mid-February, but for now I'm just shooting up all kinds of chemicals into my body. Take a look at my loot:

Injectible medication: check!
Syringes: check!
Alcohol swabs: check!
Biohazard waste container: check!
My sanity: uh....that's been gone for a long time...oh well :)

Well, here goes nothing... I gave myself my first injection today, and honestly, it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought. You'd think a shot in the stomach would really hurt, but it actually hurts a lot less than a shot in the arm. Fabulous...let's see how I'm feeling in a week and a half when I start taking even crazier drugs and give myself 3 shots a day. It's gonna be good times!

We would love and appreciate your prayers at this time so much, it would really mean the world to us. We want to be parents more than anything, and hope that we'll be prepared for and comforted in the outcome of this either way. For now, I'm just trying to be as positive as possible.

Thanks for reading. Love you all!