Everyone close to me knows that I have loved earning my doctorate degree, but that writing my dissertation was misery most of the time. I had to prove myself in so many ways, navigate through many professors egos, and soul search again and again whether it was really what I wanted. I have never been a quitter but in many moments I wondered if I had a choice if I could make it or not. If anyone reading has ever had a professor who was insistent on being called "Doctor so-and-so" it is probably because they paid for it with their blood.
I finished my coursework in 2011 and then took my qualification exit exams under my first chair, who was an inspiring but difficult person to work with. I was shocked when I failed a part of my exit exam. I had to spend another six months to study and take it again. I finally passed when I was 9 months pregnant with Emme. Then when I went on to write my dissertation, I got incredibly lost. In my area of Victorian literature, how could I write on something that no one else had said. I started with some very well known authors, the Brontë sisters, but soon was afraid I had nothing new to say. I moved on to lesser known female Christian tract writers, but I failed to find a critical niche. Mind you, my committee approved my first proposal on the Brontë sisters, but then my chair discouraged my work on it, and when I wrote another proposal on the second topic, she hated that.
A year into writing, she told me she wanted to have lunch, so I drove to Vegas for her to tell me that she didn't think I was cut out to finish a PhD. She said a whole bunch of things that I'm sure she meant to be comforting like, "You already have a job, right? And you have a beautiful family. Do you even want this?" I was shocked to death. I've never felt more stupid in my whole life. I told her that I wasn't a quitter and she criticized me a little bit for having "Protestant work ethic," and that work ethic wasn't enough. I went home and bawled the whole way. I was determined and started over again at square one and presented a whole new proposal on Neo-Victorian literature and the topic of girlhood. This time, she flat out ignored me she hated it so much.
6 weeks went by of her ignoring my calls and emails and I realized she had given up on me. I started looking for a new chair and asked several of my other professors, all of whom said "no." By then I was so desperate that I openly complained to the department and finally Dr. Erwin rose from the chaos and kindly agreed to work with me. He was gentle with me for a long time until I had some good ideas. In the end he turned out to be quite challenging for me, but he always managed to criticize me in a caring way and I knew he wanted me to succeed as much as I did. After 18 months of working on it with him, he finally agreed that it was ready. I met with my committee in November to formalize this process, and then April 8 I was set to defend. I was thrilled but terrified.
This is me on the way to campus. I had read and reread and reread my study, trying to think of anything that they might find faulty with it. Shaye drove me and I tried to talk to him about my study. He tried to engage with it, but I lost him somewhere between 19th century Anglicanism, mystical feminism, visual theory, and...well, you get the idea. He dropped me off at the Literature building and I chatted idly with people. Their dopey grad assistant said "hey, you don't have enough credits to graduate" minutes before my defense. He was wrong about this, of course, but it took 3 English professors counting and recounting my credits to finally believe me. There's a reason we don't teach math.
I began my defense with some plesantries from my committee. There was, of coures, Dr. Erwin, a jolly man who is an 18th century specialist. He is kind, but also a forgetful man. There was also Dr. Decker a British Romantic who was stern and quite quirky. Just a week or so he had berated me for my "fits of inattention" in my writing and taken me on a guilt trip for giving them a manuscript that had a few typos...out of 300 pages. The other professor, Dr. Gajowski was one several people warned me about as being rather abrasive, but she was the nicest to me of the whole bunch. Her feedback on my study gave me more confidence than anyone else's. I had a history professor, Dr. Tusan, on my committee too. She was on sabbatical and had a sick child, so we phoned her in. Ironically enough, I think she was the hardest on me.
Dr. Erwin began my defense with this drawn out story about his dog, who walked up on hind legs through a 711 and many people laughed at him. He then linked this to a Samuel Johnson quote, which compared women preachers to dogs walking on their hind legs. I was so confused... The committee then took turns asking me questions for an hour. I felt pretty well prepared to answer their questions, though I don't remember them all now, but they were very interested with the way I had presented feminism that was both religious and empowering to women. It's a concept that not everyone is familiar with or comfortable with, so we focused on that a lot. Dr. Tusan questioned if I consider my dissertation a work of feminist criticism, which I emphatically asserted. She seemed less than convinced and seemed to think that I should have been more philosophical about writing my own feminist sensibilities in the study.
After the hour, they had me sit outside and they talked for a good 15 minutes without me. A few other grad students, none of whom I knew, were sitting in the lounge and they smiled at me sympathetically a few times. After 10 minutes, Dr. Erwin came out to use the bathroom and I started to get up. A bit later he went back inside and they talked even longer. Finally, he came out and shook my hand in his giant one, and said, "congratulations, Dr. Scott!"
I, of course, was over the moon. I was so proud of myself. I knew I had done the work and gone through all required on me. My committee treated me quite differently, chatting with me more like a colleague than a student, certainly. They signed all the papers, we chatted for awhile, and then I left! I looked around campus a bit sentimentally and went and met Shaye at a parking lot, and he was overjoyed too.
It was so fun to share the news with people. Especially after my false starts, I think people were so relieved that they didn't have to be embarrassed for me for not finishing.
We went to Cheesecake Factory afterwards, and man did we celebrate. I haven't felt that full in ages! We shopped for a bit in the Forum Shoppes and then drove home. My parents were darling and they had the kids ready with signs that said, "Congratulations Dr. Scott" (I was like, where is the comma guys?!" haha)
My family has been so funny/ flattering about the whole thing. The first couple weeks especially, it felt like my mom was trying to draw a ton of attention to me at DSU functions, including introducting me to the new Provost.
I'm so thankful to have been able to finish my doctorate. There are so many people who helped me along and supported me. From Shaye's and my Mom's pep talks, to my Mom and Grandma watching the kids, to countless friends and colleagues lifting me up. It is finished!
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