Confidence Ups and Downs

I pause from my normal programming of posting about my darling babes to a little update about me. I can't lie, my life is just beautiful. I mean, I have so much to be grateful for, it's crazy! With the beauty and gratitude also comes stress, pressure, and anxiety. Sometimes I feel like I have so much opportunity and if I can't seize it, I'm wasting my life. It's a tricky balance to strike with being grateful and present in my life and also pushing myself to do all that I need to.

My dissertation has been my most profound challenge beyond the everyday travails of motherhood. It is constantly on my mind. And, unless I've very recently finished editing a large section of it, I'm constantly thinking about how much more I need to get done. It just feels never ending.

With how I have been pushing myself like crazy, I thought that there was no way on earth I wouldn't be able to defend this fall. Dr. Erwin was churning out his feedback quickly over the very last few weeks of summer break. He had a lot of concerns, but I thought I was working through them. Then all of the sudden he broke it to me that there was just no way that I would defend in the fall. I was rather disappointed, of course, but then things became much more stressful when we exchanged emails for a few days and he sent one that gave me the impression that he might not want to work with me anymore. It turns out that I had misread his intention in his email, but for a few days I didn't even know what to do with myself.

There are so many moments in this process that I've been shocked with the shame and sense of fraud I've felt. Here I am. I've been completely done with all my Ph.D. coursework for 4 years and I've had my comprehensive exams completed for 3 years. I'm the textbook person who takes longer than expected to write a dissertation. Granted, I have had 2 babies in the process also, but I have ran into so many pitfalls. In moments, this has left me feeling more stupid than anything else in my entire college career. The extremity of it has been shocking. I continue to learn that there is ALWAYS more to learn. I am resolute that I will defend in Spring 2016 now. I honestly can't fathom what would prevent this. For now, I will continue to plug away. My confidence was shaken by this step back, but I've been through worse and I know I can overcome.

In other aspects of my life, though, my sense of confidence has taken a turn for the better. I'm feeling much lighter on my feet and healthier in the past six months or so. I've been running the past few months and just feel so much better. 

About 3 times a week, we go for a "fun run." I push the kids in the stroller and jog, usually for about 3 miles. It's something I NEVER thought I would enjoy, but I do tremendously. It's a great outlet for stress and a good way to entertain my kids out in the fresh air. This day we ran down my the river in the rain. Beautiful!

I recently cut off about 5 inches of hair. I let it get out of control and don't even realize how unmanageable it becomes. The day I cut my hair was also the first day I taught for the fall semester. Teaching is such a positive experience for me. It's work, of course, but I really feel confident and inspired about what I do. It's a HUGE blessing to have the position that I do and be able to teach hybrid classes and be away 4 hours a week from my kids. Miraaaaaacle! :D

And in the free time that I DON'T have but take anyway...usually away from my housekeeping duties, I love to sit and write at the piano a little. I'm trying not to lose the inner 16 year old within me. There's a romantic and idealistic part of my soul that lives in my songs that I won't ever be willing to let go of. I dream of recording a few of my favorites someday.

I know live has it's ups and downs when it comes to confidence. For now, I'm just trying to hold on. I'm aware of my weaknesses constantly, and I'll never be perfect or be able to make everyone happy, but I can live in gratitude and with as much zeal and integrity as I know how to. This is my quest.

Hudson at 9 months

9 months in and 9 months out! I can tell you which has been more enjoyable.

This photo is sad but a sight I so often see--my little guy peering over his crib rail through our bedroom door. His expression often reads, "If you can see me, Mom, why on earth wouldn't you come and get me!" Bless his little heart.

Gah! He's looking so much like Shaye. I can't take the cuteness!!

And the joy in his grin! 9 months is a wonderful age. He's super mobile now and is definitely into stuff--like the dog food and my cupboards. I know this is just the front end of the tricky stage where he'll be able to make all sorts of mischief. It's a good thing I love him a whole bunch!

My Fair Lady

The truth about the Washington County Fair-- it's much more fun to look at in pictures than to be there. It had to have been 100 degrees when we went, and I'm often a little offput by the crazies who are there. Nonetheless, we had a good time with Skyler and Jamie, and Emme had a fantastic time riding rides with her cousins, as these photos illustrate.

We shouldn't have been surprised by this, but our little button wasn't a bit scared riding any of the little rollercoasters! My fair lady.

July in Everyday Pictures

Here is July in everyday pictures. Sometimes these little moments are more precious to me than the bigger occasions.

We played in the rain in the backyard one afternoon. You just can't waste St. George summer rain!

Squeals from Daddy's munching.

Nora Fisher's blessing day. I think these two need to go on a date in approximately 16 years.

Daddy scouted for a shoot in San Fran.

He sent me this photo when he was on set for "Celloopa." I feel a bit lonely when he is out of town and LOVE his updates.

Sprinkler time! Emme and Hudsie just love their "sprinkles," as Emme calls them.

Hudsie learned to pull himself up so that he could look out our front windows. Emme points to things and tells him about the world. Makes my heart melt.

I was thrilled to be able to meet a good friend in person. Kenna messages me years ago when I did that Adele video with TPGs. We realized quickly that we had a lot in common and have been text message friends for quite awhile. She was there for me when we did IVF and sent me an amazing care package and several other sweet packages. It was such a treat to get to have lunch in person and have our kiddos get acquainted. This crazy technological world sure does allow us to meet people we couldn't otherwise. Love it!

Random fun thing--this supplement company paid to do a commercial shoot in our house. It made me feel fancy for a day.

Oh the joys of swinging at dusk on our family walks!

Living so close to a splash pad is great! Sure kills the Saturday boredom!

When Daddy plays the piano, Hudsie likes to lay his head on the ground and listen. Cutest thing!

And that's everyday July for ya!

Emme Adventures

Raising a toddler sure is an adventure! I never quite get over the love/hate relationship I have with the different phases she goes through. I mean, the adorable things she does far outweigh the squirrely things, but it just depends on the moment.

One day I just got it in my head that it was time to potty train Em. She started wearing pull up and I put her on the potty roughly every 20 minutes. She went the very first time because it was morning and he bladder was super full, but she sat there in protest for a good 10 minutes before she relented. After that the first day was a little rough. She kept crying, "I want me diaper!" I was afraid it would be a big disaster and that this would be a month-long process. That same day of being frustrated I found that she had crawled into Hudson's crib and had fallen asleep while I was doing dishes in the kitchen. It seemed so fitting because she was probably wishing that she didn't have to grow up.

To my delight, she actually ended up doing quite well. I took this picture 2 weeks later when I felt like she was officially potty trained. I think she only had 1 accident when she couldn't get her clothes off fast enough to go, but other than that, she's done fantastically well! So happy to be out of the diaper phase with her.

Emme took her first little dance class from Abby Ekins in the Ekins's basement. It was the perfect "first" for her because it was right across the street. She did so well and Abby raved about Emme's personality. I find more and more that she is super fearless and outgoing; I'm just going to have to learn to get out of her way and let her fly.

Em is so lucky to have grandparents who dote on her. Nana takes her on fun dates every now and then. They went to several summer movies, and even went to the carousel one day. My grandma has been fantastic about watching Emme so I can work on the dissertation. I loved this sweet picture of her asleep on my Grandma's bed. Emme just loves spending time with her.

Suuuuuuch a great moment. I was chatting with my visiting teachers for quite awhile and Emme was VERY entertained coloring. When I found her, I realized that she had made herself the canvas. Her expressions here captured her chagrin all too well. Silly sweetheart!

On the 24th, I took out the Nancy book to tell Emme about her middle namesake. (Honestly, it was mostly for the photo op, but I think it's a great tradition to start!)

She's been a great little helper in the kitchen lately. This one day she said, "Let's mix-a-mix-a muffins, Mommy!" Just like in Daniel Tiger. Sometimes it gets messy, but it's sure worth it! I love my everyday adventures with my girl!