Full of Gratitude

First...I'm so sorry that it's been so long since I've posted! I've thought of posting too many times to count, but I've been crazy busy lately (more on that in a later post :)). I have so many things to be grateful for, and I just wanted to take a few minutes to count my many blessings...

I am grateful for:

1. Wonderful friends: In regards to my last post, THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for your words of kindness. I was unprepared for how many touching and wonderful things you all said to me in your comments and in other private messages and conversations. When I'm having a bad day, sometimes I read through the comments in that post and feel so much less alone. I have truly felt, not only lifted up, but CARRIED by my wonderful friends through this difficult time. You'll never know how much your friendship means!

2. My family: There's no easy way to sum this up, except for that I am so blessed to have such supportive, inspiring family member. We're so blessed to live close to so many family members and learn and grow with them.

(And yes, these two little furry babies are definitely part of my family! :) )

3. Shaye: This guy is really my #1 blessing. I knew when I married him that I was the luckiest girl in the world, but now, more than ever, I know this. He is the best friend in the world I could ask for, and he supports me and makes me laugh every day.

4. My testimony: It's hard to put this blessing into words because it is so huge, but I'm so grateful for the knowledge that I am loved and that I have been so blessed to have been born into God's true church on the earth. I'm thankful that He has given me the challenges and experiences to be able to stand up now, more than ever, and count myself as a believer.

5. My work: Teaching English is one of my life callings, I've decided. I. absolutely. love it. (How was that for grammatically correct? :)) It can be super challenging at times, but I really feel that I make a difference in what I do, and find a lot of joy in it.

6. All things domestic: Cooking, and crocheting (at the moment), are seriously the biggest stress relievers for me. I often get this domestic itch, sink myself into a project, and then feel so much better. I'm grateful for all the wonderful things to create in the world!

7. The future: I know it's not good to live for the future (or in the past,) but I have a lot to be excited for in the future. We're moving forward with In-Vitro Fertilization in the next few months, and even though we're definitely nervous because this procedure is so costly, we're very excited for what the result could be. (Fingers and toes [and eyes] crossed!) I'll keep you updated as our journey continues! :)

These are only a few of my many, many blessings. So many more that I can only count internally! I love you all! Happy Thanksgiving!

Redefining Failure

The last few months we've been back in the process of fertility treatments, which is always a stressful, yet exciting thing for us. We've done 2 more rounds of artificial insemination (IUI) and both have been unsuccessful. The first negative was pretty rough for me. We kept it a secret from our families because we've been feeling a lot of pressure from them lately, but that ended up being an added stress to not have anyone to talk to about it. This second negative was not as bad. I think the first negative was the hardest because the last time we tried IUI over a year ago I miscarried. I guess deep down inside I really thought it would work the second time, which made it harder when it didn't.

Statistics say that if a couple doesn't get pregnant after 4 rounds than it isn't a likely solution, so we're going to try it one more time. I actually am really glad this chapter is coming to a close. Fertility treatments are always rough because they can be pretty painful with my endometriosis. But I feel at peace with the steps we've taken. If this next round doesn't work, then we're on to In-vitro. Even though it is ridiculously expensive ($12,000 a round), if it brings us our miracle, it's a sacrifice we're willing to make!

This whole process has really changed my perception of failure. Like most people, growing up I had disappointments, and moments when I felt a considerable loss in my otherwise happy, blessed life. Looking back on these moments, I can't help but laugh.

Like the time I didn't make Jetettes and all of my friends did. I thought the world was over...

...Or the time I worked hard all summer and hoped to get the lead (Cinderella) in the school play, but ended up being an Ugly Stepsister. :) (It ended up being a blast, by the way.)

In the moment, these things seemed like a big deal, and later on, ended up being just a brief moment of change. Everything ended up turning out for the best.

But the last 4 and a half years have completely changed my perspective on failure. Up until when we started trying to get pregnant, I fully believed that I had control over my life and my destiny. If I ever failed at something it was because there was something inherently wrong with me or I hadn't worked hard enough. I didn't understand that "failure" is sometimes part of Heavenly Father's plan.

Well, after failing to conceive month after month after month for years, I've come to a new understanding about what failing is. I'm not a failure. I just have an element in my life that is outside of my control. Don't get me wrong, I've had days when I've felt bitter and angry and confused, but through it all I've come to accept that it's not my fault.

I believe we all encounter forces outside of our control in our lives. Things that we may not understand in the moment, but things that in retrospect make sense or serve a purpose. I know that our struggle with infertility will be like that someday. In the past I've asked questions like, "How can I be more righteous in my life so that Heavenly Father will bless me with a baby?" or "What traits is He waiting for me to develop so that I can be worthy to be a mother?" Now, I no longer blame myself for what is happening. I know that this challenge has nothing to do with me not being worthy or righteous enough. The hard things that we face are not God's way of punishing us, but His way of paying us a compliment--that he knows we can handle the difficulties life brings and that we can be further refined and become more like Him.

My new definition of failure: The only way I can truly fail in this challenge is by giving up or losing my testimony. All I can control is my attitude.

This I know for sure.

My Little Camera Man

Many of you are my friends on Facebook, so you've already heard me bragging about Shaye. He has been doing so many amazing things lately with his talent for film. He's been teaming up with a few of his buddies lately filming with "The Piano Guys" Youtube channel. In just a few months they've already grown about 26,000 youtube subscribers and their videos has received millions of view collectively. It's been a really fun thing for him. A month or so ago he helped film this Jon Schmidt video:



What I am most proud of is this film Shaye made of Southern Utah. Not only did he create all of the film here, but he also composed the music you hear. Doesn't Shaye rock?! There are a lot of exciting videos to come on "The Piano Guys" channel, so stay tuned! I couldn't be more proud of my little camera man!

Vegas Trip with my Mom and Sisters! :)

It's been way too long! I haven't posted in a long time and that has mostly been because there hasn't been much exciting going on lately with us. I just finished my semester at UNLV (hooray) and have had a short break from school and work. It's been a nice 2 1/2 weeks, but it went way, way too fast. I have to start teaching again on Tuesday, but before I go back to reality, it was a huge treat that my mom took my sisters and me to Las Vegas this weekend. We had such a blast and she spoiled us rotten!

My sisters and me in our matching pajamas my mom got for us. :) We stayed in the Mandalay Bay, which was really nice!

We ate at the most delicious restaurants. This is all of us at breakfast of Raffles Café in Mandalay Bay. Yum!

We swam in the man-made beach at Mandalay Bay too and played around in the lazy river. :)

We also went shopping. This is at the Canal Shoppes in the Venetian. We sat in St. Marco's square, ate gelato, and listened to a live concert. So much fun!

I'm so grateful to have such an awesome mom and great sisters. I really couldn't ask for a better family. I'm so blessed! Now I'm rejuvenated from all this pampering and ready to head back to work!

Under the Knife

Tomorrow is the big day. I'm having surgery again for my endometriosis. I'm hopeful that the doctor will be able to give Shaye and me some more information about how my endometriosis has progressed in the last two and a half years since the last surgery I've had. I have a new doctor, Dr. Rogers, who is using a more high tech laser to zap all of my adhesions, so we're hoping for better results. If all goes well then I'll be one step closer to reaching our end goal of parenthood. Wish me luck! I'll let you know how it goes!

Lessons Learned

This week marks 4 years since Shaye and I have been trying to become parents. Sometimes it's been difficult, emotional, and downright depressing. With countless rounds of Clomid, 4 doctors, and one round of artificial insemination that resulted in a chemical pregnancy (early miscarriage), we know we've done a lot, but we still have a lot ahead of us. It's been the biggest challenge of my life, by far, but I think that it's also yielded the most personal growth in my life. Here are a few things I've learned so far in this journey:


*Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us. I grew up thinking that it was pretty much a uniform plan for most of us (be born, grow up and go to school, get married, and become a parent), but it isn't a cookie cutter plan. Heavenly Father knows each of us personally and knows what types of challenges we need to help us grow.

*Even though it seems impossible, the Savior really does suffer with us. He is there to love us and hold our hands through anything in life that we face. He is the only balm that can truly heal our suffering.

*It's okay to be different from the norm. Even though it's hard to be misunderstood by people who don't know about our situation, I can understand their point of view.

*It's perfectly acceptable to grieve challenges, feel sad and heartbroken, and even feel angry at times. It's okay to feel so hormonal that you cry during a commercial (ha!), or to cry for no reason at all.

*It's a waste of time to put my whole life on hold and decide I can't be happy until I get pregnant.

*I'm stronger than I think I am.

*Some things just don't make sense. God sends babies to thousands of women who get abortions, and there are lots of families like us who can't get pregnant. It's one of those great mysteries, but I know Heavenly Father knows what He's doing.

*Sometimes the best thing to do is just laugh. "There's never a good time for a bad attitude." (Thanks Tyler Wilkinson)

*It really is a huge blessing to have so much time for Shaye and I to strengthen our marriage and accomplish things we couldn't otherwise.

*There's always WAY more blessings to count than problems to lament over!

*Blessings do come--even if it feels like it will take FOREVER!

So here we go, commencing year #5. I've stopped telling myself "this will be the year!", but I always hope. Either way, I know everything will be okay. (Ask me that on a bad day, haha.) Thank you to all of you who have been so loving and supportive so far, I really owe you so much!

Our Christmas on Film

We had a wonderful Christmas! In fact, I've really been relishing this whole holiday season. To be honest, the past couple Christmases have been a little bit sad for me. I guess Christmas is a marker for me; every year I've thought to myself, I'll for sure be pregnant by next Christmas, and when I haven't been it's been a sad feeling. But this Christmas I decided to break the cycle. I decided I wasn't going to be sad, and my strategy has been to keep myself really busy-- and it's working! :) I have to take take 2 Spanish literature courses for my PhD, so I've been relearning Spanish and this has been taking up TONS of my time. I've also taught myself to crochet. (I'll post pictures of my projects later.)

This Christmas we went up to Salt Lake for a quick trip, which has become a tradition for us. Going to temple square and hanging out in downtown SLC just makes me feel Christmasy and reminds me of all the fun choir trips I took in high school. Here is a video of our quick trip with Skyler and Jamie. (It's way cute, but Shaye had to throw in some crude humor at the end [I shake my head]).



Another super fun, exciting event this Christmas is that Shaye and I helped my Mom buy an Audi for my Dad for Christmas. If you don't know my Dad well, he's a total car freak. He bought his A3 (a more conservative Audi) 4 years ago and he and my Mom made a pact that he would wait 8 years and then they would get him the Audi of his dreams. So it came as quite the shock to my Dad on Christmas Eve when my super frugal Mom surprised him with the Audi S4. This surprise seriously made our Christmas. We haggled with the car salesmen with my Mom, drove down to Vegas and picked it up with her, and kept it in our garage for a few days. This video below is the footage that Shaye captured of the big surprise. So much fun!



Well, I hope you all had a Merry Christmas and that you all have a Happy New Year!