I pause from my normal programming of posting about my darling babes to a little update about me. I can't lie, my life is just beautiful. I mean, I have so much to be grateful for, it's crazy! With the beauty and gratitude also comes stress, pressure, and anxiety. Sometimes I feel like I have so much opportunity and if I can't seize it, I'm wasting my life. It's a tricky balance to strike with being grateful and present in my life and also pushing myself to do all that I need to.
My dissertation has been my most profound challenge beyond the everyday travails of motherhood. It is constantly on my mind. And, unless I've very recently finished editing a large section of it, I'm constantly thinking about how much more I need to get done. It just feels never ending.
With how I have been pushing myself like crazy, I thought that there was no way on earth I wouldn't be able to defend this fall. Dr. Erwin was churning out his feedback quickly over the very last few weeks of summer break. He had a lot of concerns, but I thought I was working through them. Then all of the sudden he broke it to me that there was just no way that I would defend in the fall. I was rather disappointed, of course, but then things became much more stressful when we exchanged emails for a few days and he sent one that gave me the impression that he might not want to work with me anymore. It turns out that I had misread his intention in his email, but for a few days I didn't even know what to do with myself.
There are so many moments in this process that I've been shocked with the shame and sense of fraud I've felt. Here I am. I've been completely done with all my Ph.D. coursework for 4 years and I've had my comprehensive exams completed for 3 years. I'm the textbook person who takes longer than expected to write a dissertation. Granted, I have had 2 babies in the process also, but I have ran into so many pitfalls. In moments, this has left me feeling more stupid than anything else in my entire college career. The extremity of it has been shocking. I continue to learn that there is ALWAYS more to learn. I am resolute that I will defend in Spring 2016 now. I honestly can't fathom what would prevent this. For now, I will continue to plug away. My confidence was shaken by this step back, but I've been through worse and I know I can overcome.
In other aspects of my life, though, my sense of confidence has taken a turn for the better. I'm feeling much lighter on my feet and healthier in the past six months or so. I've been running the past few months and just feel so much better.
About 3 times a week, we go for a "fun run." I push the kids in the stroller and jog, usually for about 3 miles. It's something I NEVER thought I would enjoy, but I do tremendously. It's a great outlet for stress and a good way to entertain my kids out in the fresh air. This day we ran down my the river in the rain. Beautiful!
I recently cut off about 5 inches of hair. I let it get out of control and don't even realize how unmanageable it becomes. The day I cut my hair was also the first day I taught for the fall semester. Teaching is such a positive experience for me. It's work, of course, but I really feel confident and inspired about what I do. It's a HUGE blessing to have the position that I do and be able to teach hybrid classes and be away 4 hours a week from my kids. Miraaaaaacle! :D
And in the free time that I DON'T have but take anyway...usually away from my housekeeping duties, I love to sit and write at the piano a little. I'm trying not to lose the inner 16 year old within me. There's a romantic and idealistic part of my soul that lives in my songs that I won't ever be willing to let go of. I dream of recording a few of my favorites someday.
I know live has it's ups and downs when it comes to confidence. For now, I'm just trying to hold on. I'm aware of my weaknesses constantly, and I'll never be perfect or be able to make everyone happy, but I can live in gratitude and with as much zeal and integrity as I know how to. This is my quest.
3 comments:
Never have I thought you were dumb. Quite the opposite. I have and always have been impressed with you brains and how far you have gone in school. Keep up the great work. You'll get there.
Oh Amanda! I just love you! Your abilities, your tenacity, your humility - they all just make me love you more. I'm in awe!
I have thought about this post a lot during the past week or so since I read it. First off, I admire you for wanting to achieve so much. Here I am completely satisfied, and glad to have a bachelor's degree, and you are worried that you haven't finished your doctorate fast enough. You are ambitious and require a lot of yourself, and I admire that.
Isn't it nice when you find something that you can do often to feel good and have a routine with your kids? We are frequent walkers around here, and we all love it. It keeps us all happier and calms everybody down on a crazy grumpy day. :) I have thought about jogging like you, but not too hard. :)
You are amazing! Keep it up!
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