Truth be told, I have never had the best body image. Growing up, I took dance lessons for years, but I was never very good at it. I had a hard time moving past the debilitating fear that someone might not like what they see. I was always so caught up in my aesthetic value that it was hard to focus on all the wonderful things my body could do.
When we started trying to conceive, however, what my body could and could not do became an obsession. There was seemingly endless medical testing, all sorts of poking and prodding, daily temperature taking, not to mention all sorts of negative self-talk about why I feared I wasn't good enough to become a mother. After 5 years of trying, I felt hopelessly lost in this struggle in which my body wouldn't align with my spirit. While my spirit longed for motherhood with everything in me, my body denied me this. Infertility took my body image issues to soaring heights. I couldn't understand why Heavenly Father would make me dysfunctional in this way, if he had commanded me to be fruitful and multiply. I felt that my infertility was a contradiction to everything my heart wanted to be.
When I became pregnant with Emme, at first I was so terrified that something uncontrollable within me would take my precious baby from me. The fertility treatments that brought her to us were in no way serene or peaceful, and we had felt so much disappointment throughout our journey. But as she began to grow within me, these fears slowly died away and I became more and more aware of the sacredness and beauty of my body. These feelings in no way came from any extrinsic praise. I knew, in fact, that I was slipping further from society's ideals as I gained weight, but it didn't matter. Being a vessel of life changed my body image forever.
Once Emme was born, another chapter of healing began for me. Breastfeeding, it turns out, has been the most therapeutic thing for my body image ever. Don't get me wrong, for the first month or so, breastfeeding was agonizing. Honestly, I think I was in pain around the clock. I pushed through the pain knowing that breastfeeding would be a wonderful gift for Emme and would also be better than any medicine for my endometriosis, and I am so glad that I did push through.
Breastfeeding Emme has probably been the most calming and peaceful thing I've experienced in my whole life. I think it's taken me so long to wean her just because I have come to cherish that time with her so much.
I hope I never forget the sheer pleasure of holding her close to me, skin to skin. Her beautiful hazel eyes in a relaxed, grateful gaze. Her sweet little hands caressing my neck as I nurse her. Her slight smile as I coo at her as she drinks. The way that she reaches for me again and again, trusting that I can provide all that she needs. In these moments, I have been so grateful for all the wonderful things my body can do and how it can serve others.
If I never have this experience again, I want to remember the intense joy that this experience has brought me. If the Lord should bless me so much as to have one more child or many more, I will be so grateful to have been able to serve and nurture them all.
This is the lesson that I want to keep on learning my whole life: I am not only my body. What others see is just the shell of me and is only a part of who I am. It is important for me to care for myself and make my health a priority because my body is a tool to serve and nurture others, not because I am an object to be looked upon or praised.
I am infinitely grateful for the opportunity I have had to do this as a mother--both in the unfathomable gift of giving Emme life and in the hundreds of tasks that I perform in her behalf daily. What a wonderful gift it is to be a woman! We have the challenge of putting our families before ourselves and nurturing and loving them above all else in this world, but with that comes immense joy!
3 comments:
This entry is absolutely inspiring, beautiful, liberating, and humbling. I'm so blessed to have you as my daughter!
I hope you don't mind that I just started reading your blog and I just have to say that you are amazing and I love what you have had to say. You are absolutely honest and I love every bit of it.
I just saw your announcement on facebook and was so excited for you! (I maintain Kristen's fb while she's on her mission, and didn't want to comment there because people would wonder about her. :)That's super, super, exciting! I hope that you are feeling good and doing well. We may bump into each other at Dr. Lunt's office sometime, I'm 17 weeks with #2. :)
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