Emmeline's Birth Story...5 months later!

Hello, it's me again...you might have thought I died in childbirth with how I've been (not) updating this blog! But no, life is actually wonderful. More than wonderful, actually. I am now back to blogging after a looooong hiatus. Here is Emmeline's birth story as I wrote it a few days after her birth (11/7/2012). (This is extremely long, so if you want the short version, just watch this AMAZING video Shaye made!)

As my due date approached, I began to feel a great sense of urgency, like my time was running out. It’s strange looking back now, because my priorities seemed all wrong. I was so concerned with getting as much of my school work done as possible before our little darling’s arrival, and I knew that things would be much more difficult to attend to once she came. The day before I had Emme, I had a list of last minute errands to run, and I knew it was the last list of essentials I had to complete before the baby was born. My sister texted me and wanted to go to lunch, but I told her it was all business for me that day. I had to get things done. Then, when I was at Walmart, all of the sudden I started to feel really awful, like a had a really bad flu virus.

As soon as I got home, I laid down and stayed that way for the rest of the night. I had a feeling that something was up because I’d never had such odd stomach cramps like that. The fact that all this was happening on election night is a bit humorous to me now. Perhaps all the excitement threw me into labor. Shaye started watching the election returns and I groaned each time a swing state broke for Obama. At about 8:00 pm I went on a cleaning rampage, even with as awful as I felt. I marched around the house in a daze, unable to concentrate enough to do anything productive and crying to myself that our house wasn’t clean enough to bring a new baby home (too late!).

About 9:00 I started to notice that I was having pretty regular contractions, about 2.5-5 minutes apart. I was really confused at first because they had started so close together. I knew that dehydration could start labor so I’d been drinking tons, but I still felt thirsty no matter what. After my contractions had been going for a good hour and a half I told Shaye he had to get off from playing X-box because I might be in labor. I have to admit that part of me wondered if I was being dramatic—could labor really start this quickly? I called my mom and dad and they agreed that it was worth checking in to see what was up, and so we brought our two little doggies over to their house. By the time we got to my parents, my contractions had gone from rather uncomfortable to a bit painful and so I thought I must be progressing.

We checked into the hospital about 11:30 pm. By then we knew which way the election had swung and so both of us (and especially Shaye) were in a weird mixture of excitement, bitter disappointment (over the election), and a bit of confusion over the whole labor process. They got us checked in and the nurses were amazing,--so kind and thoughtful. They waited patiently each time a contraction came on. My first nurse checked me at 11:53 and I was barely at a 3. This was the first moment that I was pretty darn sure I would want to epidural. The pains were still pretty bearable as long as I breathed through them. The pretty blonde nurse told me that they wanted to watch me for an hour and as long as I continued to dilate, they would keep me. Between this hour, my contractions got worse and worse. After a little while, I started to feel really awful and I told Shaye to grab the trash can. In it I threw up the only snack I’d had since breakfast. I hardly ever throw up, and so I was pretty sure that this was a sign of transitioning into more active labor.

Sure enough, my contractions started to get more intense. When my nurse asked me, in the middle of a contraction, if I was wanting the epidural, I heard myself answer "yes" before I had even realized it. As I’d labored up until this point I had realized that I had a clear choice to make. I knew that I could go natural and that it would likely be a spiritual and very difficult experience, or I could opt for a more peaceful, medicated birth. The second just felt like the right choice for me.

When the nurse checked me again, she saw that I was a 4.5 and told me that I was staying at that hospital and having a baby! I was kind of in disbelief. Shaye kept saying how different labor was from how he had pictured; there was so much waiting. We called my mom and at this point and she and my sister arrived just as they transferred me into another room where they could give me an epidural. This room was different from the room I’d initially been checked into, which was designed for natural birth. The first room had zen-like green walls and peaceful artwork; the epidural room had stark white walls and more of a sterile feeling. By now I was also shaking a whole lot, and theses shakes continued on for quite awhile. People kept asking if I was cold, but I think it was just the adrenaline and excitement.

While walking to the new room, I had 3 strong contractions, and by now it was starting to reach my pain threshold. For some reason the contractions standing up were most difficult, I handled them much better sitting Indian style on the bed. In my new room I had a new nurse, Melissa. She had little brown hair pulled back and wide gray eyes. She was so calming and honestly made the whole birthing process so much better. When my contractions got painful, she would push on my knees or my lower back to ease the pain. It made a HUGE difference and basically cut my pain in half.

Pain with labor was one of the most spiritual things I had ever experienced. I had read a mom describe labor as the most beautiful pain she had ever felt, and that’s how it was to me. The pain of the contractions flooded my whole body, but I felt my mind float above it all. Heavenly Father immensely blessed me to have such a positive birth experience, and I felt that was especially true as I was laboring before the epidural. 

When they checked me again only an hour later I was a six and a half and the pain was definitely worse. I just focused on the Lamaze breathing, though, and felt the love of my nurse and the kindness in her wide eyes as I breathed. My mom and Stephanie were there stroking my back and my hair, and I could see Shaye’s calming face at my side, so concerned but peaceful and reassuring.

When my nurse saw that I was a six and a half, I was shocked when she said that my epidural would come in the next half hour or so. I had heard so many situations when moms had to wait and wait, and so it was wonderful news. Dr. Fayre was in about a half hour later and gave me my epidural while I breathed through 3 contractions. I was so proud that I could sit perfectly still despite the pain. I felt so out of my body through the experience, and I think a lot of this was due to some careful studying I had done of hypnobirthing techniques when I was unsure of whether I wanted to go natural or not. Throughout my pregnancy I had trained myself to relax when I felt pain and I did this throughout the birth and thought of the pain as a beautiful threshold I was crossing through to reach Emme. I almost felt guilty accepting the epidural because I knew beyond a doubt that I could handle the pain, but the question of how long my labor could last and the uncertainty of how pushing would feel was enough to turn me to modern medicine.

The epidural was wonderful. It was perfect because I could feel all the pressure of my contractions but none of the pain. I expected to feel totally disconnected to my body, but instead I felt very attuned. Once the epidural kicked in, everything slowed way down. By then it was about 2:30 or so and I sent my mom and sister home because I thought it would be awhile. Shaye got a little sleep, but I didn’t sleep a wink. It felt like every Christmas Eve of my life rolled into one. I stared at the monitor in the darkness and thought about all that we had gone through to get to this point. All of the heartbreaking negative pregnancy tests, all of the lonely moments when I felt a world away from the life I really wanted, all of the planning and hoping that we were never sure could be fully rewarded.

I laid there trying to memorize the feeling of being pregnant because I wasn’t sure if I’d ever experience that unfathomable blessing again. I tried to imagine that fullness of a tight womb right below my heart and the delicious feeling of the baby’s kicks and turns and hiccups. I tried to memorize the way I felt about my body. Sure, I’d felt self-conscious about gaining weight, but I’d never felt so beautiful or alive to be creating life within me. All of the anger and betrayal I had felt with my body had been regained through my pregnancy and even my labor up until that point. 

I prayed and talked with my loved ones that I knew were there on the other side of the veil. I tried to enjoy each passing moment and tried to imagine the moment of meeting Emme. I feel sheepish saying this now, but I even had the strange fear creep up that she would come out a boy. Not that I wouldn’t love a boy just as much, but that we would have nothing to dress him in if it were a boy. These precious last few hours of my labor were a full-circle moment for me. So special and intimate. I could feel the thin-veil in that room. It was a feel quite similar to when I am in the temple. I felt so at home and so fearless and loved.

A few disconcerting things happened as my labor progressed. The baby slept a little too much, as is common with the epidural, and so I had to keep shifting side to side and wear an oxygen mask; the latter really did the trick and perked her right up, thank goodness! Before long, Melissa checked me again and saw that I was at a 9.5 and that my water still hadn’t broken. They laughed at how much the sack was bulging. By then it was 5:00 am or so and we called my mom and she was there just as Dr. Lunt arrived and broke my water. In no time at all, the baby had crowned and I was ready to push.

When all of the delivery nurses came in, I was a bit shocked. This was it! It just got real for me! As I began pushing, I was surprised at how exhausting it was although I felt no pain. I felt confused at how to do what they were asking; it honestly didn’t feel very instinctive to me. I felt pressure, but not a crazy urge to push like I expected. When I did push, the nurses offered all kinds of confusing metaphors, but through trial and error, I felt like I got the hang of it by contraction 3. By the 5^th contraction, she was nearly out and I reached down to touch her sweet head. I was amazed at how warm and soft it was. I contracted again, but Dr. Lunt wasn’t quite in position, so I didn’t push, with my next contraction, the baby slid right out. All I gave was a tiny push and she was here!

Dr. Lunt held up Emme and she made a tiny hiccup sound. They agitated her for a moment and then I heard the most beautiful cry ever. I soon forgot, however, that she had cried at all because she immediately became very quiet. They put her on my chest immediately as they waited for the cord to stop pulsing. Emme was so alert from the start and looked all around the room. They lifted her for a moment again and Shaye cut the cord. When they put her back down on my chest, she stared at me with her beautiful dark eyes in such a knowing way. She was so calm. Her expression was if to say, “I’m here, mom! I told you I would come.” My whole life changed so quickly. I felt this indescribable connection with her almost instantly. My spirit knew hers, and more than that, she knew I was her mom. I sobbed and sobbed. I just couldn’t believe she was real and that our miracle had really happened.

After a few minutes, the sweet nurses cleaned Emme up a bit and we had skin-to-skin. She was so soft and warm and a bit wet, and so relaxed against me. Every time I talked, those in the room said she tried to look up at me. Because she was nestled right under my chin, I couldn’t see for myself. Soon I could hear the voices of my dad, Stephanie, and Jeffrey in the hallway. It took Dr. Lunt a good 20 minutes to stitch me up and Emme got a nice bath. She didn’t make a peep that whole time nor for several more hours. Once I was all stitched up, my family came into see her and my dad bawled like a baby when he saw Emme.

Shaye stayed a bit aloof with his camera at first. But he kept kissing my forehead and lips. He didn’t have to be right there. I could feel the connection that was now our family. He marveled at our daughter, but he also respected the sacred space of mother and daughter.

Soon we left that magical room and the nurses helped remove the epidural catheter and prepare me for recovery. Every single nurse was honestly so kind. I joked several times that I felt like I was at a day spa. I felt the power of modern medicine through this all. I couldn’t have asked for better care.

Once we were in our room, I spent every moment I could drinking in all of Emme’s little details. Her beautiful thick head or hair, her delicate little eyelashes and eyebrows, her darling button nose, and her sweet Gerber baby lips. I was in a total daze. The nurses offered me tons of information and I think I remembered a tenth of it. We had scads of visitors and it was wonderful to share our angel with each new family member who arrived. I think that first day my mom and dad both came 3 times each and my siblings came a ton too. My grandma stood and rocked Emme for a good hour while Shaye went and grabbed lunch. Even though I was starting to really feel those stitches, I was on cloud 9.

That night came around and Emme was so good. I could hear babies screaming down the hall and she didn’t make a peep all night. I nursed here 3 or 4 times and she snuggled in my arms. It was very serene. I felt bad for Shaye in those terrible cots they have. I think it was hard for him to enjoy the first day with Emme just because he was so terribly uncomfortable. He held her as much as I would let him, and she would just stare up at her daddy. So sweet!

The hospital stay was really pretty comfortable for us. The nurses were so sweet about helping me and cleaning up after me. The food was reasonably good, though I was hardly interested in eating at all. The nurses fussed over Emme and whenever they took her out to test her, I felt really comfortable with them having her.

When it came time to go home, I dressed her in the same outfit my mom had taken me home in. It was such a sweet moment. Emme looked so darling in the little dress and the bonnet and booties I had crocheted for her. I couldn’t believe we were taking home our little miracle. It took us quite a while to check out. We heard that if we paid for Emme before we checked out that we would receive a huge discount. What would have cost us $4k only cost us $1,100—amazing!

I sat with the baby in the back seat and watched her little face. It was clear that she didn’t mind her car seat and she didn’t mind the car either. Just as we were leaving, Stephanie called to ask where our broom was, and told us that she had been cleaning our house. We were so touched! When we drove down to the house passed the school, I could see pink streamers on our back wall on the corner. Steph greeted us and there was a beautiful “It’s a Girl!” sign and streamers all over inside. I started blubbering when I saw it, and then laughed, realizing how hormonal I was.

That first day, orienting myself with the baby felt pretty second nature. I was amazed at the sacred feeling that immediately filled our home. It is a purity I’ve never quite known before, and something that I’m quite determined to preserve as well as I can. We are so blessed, it’s crazy!